THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin
THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin

Episode 18 · 1 year ago

How EMBRACING Your Darkness Will Lead to Your Greatest Light


In today's LIVE episode we discuss how the parts of ourselves we keep hidden from the world, are the parts that keeping us feeling stuck, frustrated, and unsatisfied with life.

Paradoxically, the only way OUT of these feelings, is by going IN to them.

Everyone. Welcome back to their episode of the pursuit. Will help you awaken your potential, achieve your dreams and leave a legacy you'll be proud of. I'm very excited for this very first session here because we have a very special not guessed what, a new permanent member of the show. Welcome Katie to the pursuit. Hello. So, if those of you who don't know, Katie is my better half, literally in every single way. And this let's go back for a second, because this entire idea of the stream and the conversation actually started because you and I had a conversation about wouldn't it be cool if people could be around for all these Sunday coffee conversations that you and I have together, and what if they could just tune, what if they could be a part of it? And that was really the the spirit of it. Yeah, we would be like we should record this, this is some good stuff. We are smart people in these system good conversation. Someone there, maybe just the cop is probably just the coffee, the magic of the coffee being does all this stuff. But today we are focused on really building a conversation with you guys around this very I would call it an unspoken conversation, a conversation that we just were not having out there in the world would which is we all have these worries. Are we doing enough or being enough? Are we enough and are we really living our fullest and greatest life? And I don't know if this is in the busyness of stuff, the stuff we just even take time to think about, but the kind of the angle that that we want to take on this today is that there is this parts of us that are in we call in shadow or locked away, and you actually read a book on this. So can I just pivot you, like what is this book you read and what was the impact? Is a frame for the conversation that we're going to help people with today. Well, this is the book that if you watched our little promo video from yesterday or Teaser, this is the book that I was talking about. It's called the dark side of the light chasers by Debbie fourd and she is like a life coach type of person. She actually passed away, I think, in like two thousand and fifteen, so she was much busier with all this, maybe like ten fifteen years ago. But the message is still very applicable and now I'm like, do I look at this welcome to last is new to me. Look at this one Um, and it just really I this book was recommended to me, so I ordered it and I read it and it really, it really touched me in a lot of ways and it got me thinking like I've never considered, you know, this idea of a shadow and what, what am I hiding and what am I working so hard to hide? And the idea in this book is that maybe what's in your shadow can actually be turned into one of your greatest gifts instead of the thing that you need to hide. So I had never really heard that idea before and then when we were trying to come up with our topic for today, we said maybe maybe no one has even actually heard this message. So I think we can all relate to the idea that am I doing enough? Am I enough? Am I giving enough? But have we ever really considered like are we what are we hiding, and if we uncovered the thing that we're hiding, how would that change our lives in for the better? Now, you and I actually come from this kind of different ways. So for me it's all about there's some gifts that I might have inside of me that I'm not fully bring into the world. My the things that I might call weird about myself, my passions, my interest the things that make me me, the thing I was born with. It maybe through a life of just like falling into a trench or a ditch, I just started to like got carve this path and I wake up everyday feeling a little tension inside, going at my my living the life I'm supposed to live, that kind of purpose, spiritual driven. You...

...actually come at it from a different perspective of for me. So for me, what I like to coach people and talk about is what's in shadow, what's being repressed, is your gifts. But you actually have a different experience on this, because there's multiple things that can go into the closet, that we can shove in there. But what's been your experience? Just to kind of bring this to life for everyone, right, so I I think like what are the everybody thinks I have lots of goals. I want to accomplish things, but there's a lot of us that don't actually take the steps to even try, or even dream or even get their Patrick Spirit focused on. How do we how do we get there? What do we need. So you can let this gift out. But I think a lot of people, I would guess everybody, has this bad thing that they want to keep hidden or they think they think it's bad. They identify as bad what they perceive as bad, what they perceive is right. So I you know, I was thinking about myself and, to tell you that the truth, there are some exercises in this book that I have not even really gotten into because I'm kind of afraid. So I haven't exactly gone there. But even simply by reading it, it brought something to mind that is for me, it's the idea that I am a quitter. M and that was something, that's a negative idea that I held about myself for a very long time and it's the first thing that came to mind when I was reading this book. So, you know, after really considering it and calling myself a quitter and looking myself in the mirror and saying I'm a quitter, I'm a quitter, the word lost its power. WHOO, and I looked at it, I looked at this thing that I had been trying to hide and it really lost its power. And there's something strange about acknowledging something that you've tried to hide, or or even a hurt or a pain or a memory or whatever it is. If you can look at it and you can think about it, it begins to lose its power. So what de before taught us in this book is that that thing that you perceive as negative can actually be very positive in your life. So what I arrived at is that, considering myself a quitter, what it actually shows me is that I'm an adventurer, HMM, and I love learning lots of new things. Maybe I'm not, you know, going to do a deep dive on everything, but I mean Patrick and I was like I'll be talking to him about some weird thing and no enough, but not a PhD level of knowing it. And and instead of seeing that as I'm a quitter and I never followed through and all these things, it actually shows me that I just love a lot of things and I'm very interested in a lot of things and it doesn't actually mean that I'm a quitter, because it also made me consider what are all the things in my life that I've never quit interesting? So on a positive for a second. So if you guys are watching live right now, throwing the Commons, just say hello just so we know your that your message was coming through, as would be like a tech test, is so we make it sure, because one of the things that we're trying to work right now is making sure that all your wonderful comments are actually coming through to us. We've several times we've gone live and realize, Oh my God, all these people settle this stuff and never came through in the live stream. So if you would just say hi, just type high in the comments for watching right now, just to let us know that you're receiving the broadcast. It's coming through. What I want to challenge you guys off, and I'll just say this I think it's important to be a little vulnerable here, is we all have that thing that we didn't know about ourselves or we repressed or denied that now that it's out, we can't we can't imagine our life being the same without it. For me, it was literally my voice. I had all these thoughts and I had this doubt in my mind. Does anyone actually want to hear what I have to say? Does it? Do I have anything of valued off Lord? So then I because I didn't have an answer that question, I buried it. I just left it on the shelf and e collected dust for years, like a one day, one day. But eventually, the more I sort of voiding that, the more it started becoming this thing for me. And you're right,...

...what we run from runs us and but when we no longer run from it, it no longer runs us right, and it's that facing it that turns the whole thing around. We also talked about the idea, excuse me, we also talked about the idea that when you're hiding something, you're protecting it and if there's it could be a good thing or bad thing. Like if you're hiding this super gift that you have, why hiding it? And if you're hiding something bad, you're going to keep it. If you, if you keep this secret or this thing that you dislike about yourself, you put it in a little box and put it on your shelf, which is really just holding it in your mind, you're going to you're going to protect it, but like let it out of the box man, see what happens and maybe that thing that you are so afraid of and you've been trying to protect, maybe it could end up being one of your biggest gifts or one of your greatest ways that you move through the world or protect yourself from different things, a hundred percent. So let's take a look at this and then we'll get into them, like a main topic of discussion for today. But when to begin here? Because Katie and I'm discussing like, what is the big thing like? If you leave your gifts in the closet, if you leave this part of yourself undiscovered, untapped into hidden or were repressed and denied, and if you spent the next ten years, twenty years of your life in that space, what could what could happen to you? So there's a two thousand and twelve book, literally, as by the title top five regrets of the dying, and by I think we're saying her name right Ron Brownie ware or where anyway. So she worked in PALLID OF CARE for years. You start setting stuff, you sort of come out of these and I mentioned Top Five regrets here, the top five things people said the end of their day that said, man, I wish I would have done a little differently. Number One, which I had the chance to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected. I think you make Katie have some understanding. What this the life others expected? Of Challenge. I think a lot of people watching and may have that feeling here' is it? Number Two? I wish I hadn't worked so hard or spend so much of my life just work, work, work, work, work, work, work, without any time for joy and passion and traveling, the things that I love. Of Right. I wish I had I've just had the courage to express my feelings. I mean that's kind of really what we're talking about. A lot about we're talking about today, regrets or its feeling, feelings that we often call negative. Oh, you know, I don't like I don't like feeling sadness, so I just don't let myself feel that. Or guilt or shame or there's so much that we bury. So that's kind of the one of the big things there. Let's come back. There's will just finish off these five. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I mean it's like he gets so busy working you forget to live, you forget the most important thing in life, our friendships, our family, and spending time with the people that matter most. And last number five, I wish I had let myself be happier, and I think that's really also really talking about. The key to happiness, thriving, living your greatest life is fighting that thing that makes you you and living that whole, if it is, bring it out there. Yeah, living the world the whole part of you. Yeah, even the the perceived bad stuff, the good stuff, the bad stuff, all the parts of you, living your life. This is a whole person. Yeah. So let's begin here for our conversation today and, by the way, I see the chats are coming through on Youtube a hundred percent. I don't know if any chats are can not coming through from facebook. We're still testing the tech on these live calls. So we really appreciate it. By the way, if you guys are really enjoying this conversation you want to share it out there on the socials, please do. That helps us a lot. Your like buttons, your subscribes and follows and, of course, friend you to make sure to hit that bell to be notified of any future content. So let's get right into this. I want to begin here with this conversation around what is it for you that maybe you currently are holding in in the darkness, repressing or pushing down in yourself. And...

I Katie, I think you have some really good example you're going to bring out here and then we'll kind of get into the main takeaways what we want to focus on. But I but to really help you dig into this. If there was something you could think of, whether it's a gift, kind of like my side of the fence, like it's a gift or a passion that you're just not bringing out into the world fully or part of you, a feeling and emotions, something if even if it's just slightly coming to your consciousness right now, hold on to that as we continue this conversation. So, Katie, I want to kind of come back to you here where we gonna what are some of the things we want to talk about today in terms of big takeaways that you had from this book and Your Own Journey into this topic? Well, you know, the big question is, what is that thing that you keep in the shadow and what would happen if you let it out? Whether you know, yeah, there's actually you'd probably big fear if it's a thing that you perceive as bad. What kind of bad stuff. It's going to happen to me if I let it out. And along those lines, we could kind of plus you real quick before before we get to that, because I think there's a one major thing we have to call out, and you and I discussed this earlier. We are wired for survival, not for success. I mean it's just it's in our teaing, our dinner, our dinner, our DNA, get my but in a southern out it's in our DNA, it's in our programming, our base, instinctual survival. We were wired for survival. So if there is an emotion that feels painful to us, it is not our instinct to move towards it. It is our instincts to say comfortable and safe and shove that feeling all the way down for the sake of our instinct to survive. But that's success. Is a habit. We have to build against the Stream, isn't it? Yeah, but the trying to stay away from the thing we're trying to avoid takes a lot of energy and it takes it away from the things that we really want to spend our time doing, even if it's these, you know, the five regrets of the daying maybe it's even just pursuing better friendships or being in the kind of, you know, romantic relationship that you'd like to be. It's keeping you from doing all those things, whether it's like kind of like a basic thing about having a good relationship with your family members, or even maybe like getting your big business goal, or whatever it is. If for spending all our time and mental energy trying to stay away from a feeling or an idea, which is actually kind of strange. If it's just a feeling or just an idea, what is it really it's not a bear that's going to get you know, yes, here it's. Yeah, it's just a thing, and that's why looking at it and thinking about it is important. It's not also not easy. Kick we we need to call that out. When you start doing we'll call the work, when you start doing this work of personal development, of personal growth, it's not always easy, but I think you and I live by a certain latitude or action, which is what's hard in the beginning, it is easy in the end. Putting of course, just because it's hard in the beginning doesn't mean that it's not worth that journey. Yeah, and can I just add that it's not only good for the individual, but it's imagine if we, if we all did it, if we all started to do this work, we would have such a better, all better world. We would have world peace, problem and world peace. Let's see when we'll just skip to the on the story and world peace, like our kick us off here with some of the things that we want to make sure that people understand and think about through this process. Well, this, this points that judgment a lot and what we what we dislike about ourselves, what we dislike in other people. So if we can detach from what we hate about ourselves, we will stop hating that and other people. You know, this is kind of a Cliche, but the idea of pointing your finger at somebody and having three fingers pointing back at you, it's because it's an interesting idea, because if you are pointing out something that you are judging in somebody else, it's really look at yourself and think about how you actually feel about yourself and that way, and why is that triggering you and what is it that is locking into you, that's making you be focused on...

...this, because we're all probably naturally judge people, whether we say it out loud or not. We definitely think it so, but we all judge people four different things. So what is it about that we think about others that we might actually be thinking about ourselves? So let's bring that to life a little bit, because I think you had some good examples of when the ways in which that hiding something in ourselves is actually protecting it or shielding it or like, give me some examples of maybe something for you that you've done, or I mean, I don't have mine, but this is something that you're you're just digging into a lot and it's very fresh for you, like whether it's from the book your own life, like, what's something that you have felt that you were hiding away in order to protect it from others or other people seeing it? Well, aside from that idea of being a quitter, I think the quitter miss inside of me points to a even bigger, a bigger thing of being a people pleaser and really trying to live up to the expectations of others and in fact, pointing most of my actions and directions in toward that, toward pleasing other people instead of pleasing myself and it. That's not supposed to sound selfish, but you know, this is my life. I get to do with it what I want to do, and if it means maybe deviating a little bit from or a lot from what was expected of me. Like it's my life, I can really do whatever I want it. Now you, as a result of digging into this, you've come up with some truths, you come up some turning toward this thing actually brought you closer to some sort of insights. I sort of awareness and just curious. In this crazy wisdom, you went you went into the fire, you went right into it. What did you learn about yourself that may have been contrary to what you had learned or what you were thinking as a result of running or hiding from what you were feeling? Well, with the idea of being a quitter, I think I kind of already touched on this, but I really it opens me up to just being an explorer and adventurer and learning about things and having a knowing that that's not a bad thing, it's not a bad part of me and in fact, maybe I can highlight it and bring it out and it can be a good part of myself, because there's a many things you have at quit. In fact, in fact, in fact, so let's just real quick, just to show that when he challenges stuff, new insight. Come on, what haven't you quit? Well, they haven't quite you, baby Heyo, look at that, I'm winning fifteen years. So who? So you know, I have never quit my family. I have the two kids who I love dearly, who are very challenging. Also, I haven't quit them. Believe it or not, I haven't quit my job, even though I don't like it them. I like some parts of that. No, that's not true. Care for what you're saying right, just kidding, but I haven't quit my job, I haven't quit being a good member of my family and and all those things like that. So it actually highlighted for me, like a lot of ways, that I'm also not a quitter. So this idea you're a quitter. Maybe I looked at it and it doesn't really that idea doesn't really bother me anymore, but when it was said to me, it really bothered me and I internalized it. So I actually feel like I've kind of released it and now it would be like calling there's a spider Yikes, live spiders could try to get me. I don't even remember what I was saying. So scared. We're wired for survival. I think you were just really saying how leaning into those things really showed you what you could do. Now. There was actually an exercise that you did to come to this awareness, whether you did in your mind or getting on paper and crept me from wrong, but I think it involved so I'm sort of like writing something down and then finding the ways that it's not true or that is true or whatever. What can people do if they want, if they want to begin this road of getting into the shadow? What should we do? This is a this is a great question. So one of the recommendations from the book, and let me tell you, there are like you can probably spend fifteen hours doing these exercises, but one of the...

...short easier exercises that you can do to make a list of things that you don't like about yourself. You can also make a list of things that you do like about yourself, but isn't the problem here about what we don't like? Yeah, so make a list of all the things you don't like about yourself and pick them out. See which one, which one, triggers you, and which one really you say, Oh, that one. I don't want anyone to call me that. HMM, don't, don't call me that. And if you have one of those, you can, I mean maybe just talking about it right now, you've thought of something. But if you're having trouble getting there, because sometimes these sometimes these things are obvious to us and sometimes you can't really touch it. But making a list is a good way to do it, and then you can go through all these things and pick out one that's really hot for you and then say it, like I said, say it to yourself. I'm a quitter, I'm I'm lazy, or I'm lazy, I'm not enough for whatever it is for. Yeah, I'm whatever it is to this to that ring. I am unlovable, I'm lonely. You know all these all these things that you know me. Or maybe it's not. Maybe stuff the other people said to you could the feed that can received. And I think one of the one of the things my teacher said, I mean like years ago, is listen, if someone calls you a dog, turn on your back side and see if you have a tail. If you have a tail, you're a dog. If you don't have a tail, you're not a dog. It's like someone calling you a draft and you're human. It's like, why would I take a fence to that, because there's no truth to it. But sometimes if someone calls you mean, it's like you've heard this phrase over and again. So you get this feedback. You're just you're just mean. And so the teaching here is is we don't want to acknowledge that. It's paradoxical, it's backwards, it's crazy wisdom. Okay, instead of saying blocking all that person said, I mean or I'm a be word or whatever, overbearing or whatever the word is, but stupid right that what you do is you sit down. Instead of running from that word, were avoiding it or trying to like convince everyone that they're wrong, just sit with it for a moment and set out loud to yourself and see if it's got any magic or says there's anything to you. It's got some spell on you. It's like I'm stupid. You like, Oh my God, I feel so it's like someone calling you a dog. Going back to what I said earlier, it's like tell it to yourself and see if it triggers something and if it does, maybe there's something. They're truthful for you, and then take some time. I thanks for like in the Stream for trees. Appreciate you. Take some time and think about it and then maybe it's going to take you. I can't say where it's going to take you and I can't say, yeah, why that word is a problem for you, or what memory it takes you back to you or the first time it really became a problem for you. Like look in your childhood. It's probably there. I don't know, could be, he said, the Kingdom. There you go, but yeah, who knows where it will take you. You just have to take the time and just sit with yourself and just think about it and and you'll get there, even if it's maybe hard in the beginning because, like Patrick said, we're wired for survival and we don't want to have any uncomfortable nests in our lives. We just want to be comfortable and safe. But you know you're going to be fine even if you go there, and I think the result is going to be good. So well, guess. So let's call for it. This one last topic, which is what would happen if you let us, so that we have to kind of dress the pink elephant in the room, which is the fear, the concern. We said we're wired for survival, not for success. We less in into that. There's a fear that is within us. If we let this thing out, if we like, whether we acknowledge or not, if it's a gift or strength or a passion you have or something that would pull you. For me, and I will I'll just say this just openly. When I first started on this path of personal development and I did the exercise of the we're describing or some version of them here, what I wrote down or thought to myself was if I lean into this, if I acknowledge the passion and the gift inness I have, if I write the book, if I start the business, whatever, it's going to bring some chaos into my life because that what if that means I have to quit my job. And what if it, you can see where the mind is,...

...starts to go. And if it's not a passion or a gift, that's in shadow for you. But apart like what if? What if if I lean into this, it's gonna hurt. It's going to hurt me to acknowledge that I mean or whatever, and how I already feel bad enough of myself. What if I what if I feel worse about myself. Do you? Did you have any insight to going through that process with any of that true? Is like I feel like the symbolism is like, Hey, there's this fire here and if you put your hand into the fire, it's not going to burn you, it's going to cleanse you. And then every part of use like no, no, no, that makes no sense in my brain. Everything my brain says, do not put your hand near the fire. And we work. We're saying is the fire won't burn you, not actual fire, just we're disclaim or not actual fire, symbolic, literal spirit fire. Okay, you put your hand into the emotion, into the experience, and the the fear says it's going to destroy me. Have you found that to be true or false in your to some extent? Yes, okay. The idol, the idea of getting into these things and it's very scary and, like I said, I think that I have probably closed a box full of stuff. I don't even know what's in there yet, but I'm ready to go there and the more I practice it, the more I learned that I am still good and I am still safe. Now a little bit unlike, unlike where you are talking, where you're saying, like, if I let this gift to this gift out, what am I going to have? My gonna have to change my job? What if? What if? What if? What if? I so like, I'll tell you. I'm not quite there yet, but I think I'm excited by working through these emotional can just you know, emotional inflammation. Who? I don't know, spiritual emotional inflammation. We should write that down. It's accorded. We will come back to it. I think once I can work through that, I'm actually excited to see what where I can go on the other side because, hm, you know, the idea of being a quitter sort of highlights. You know, maybe I have felt that maybe I should have done more so far in my life, but I'm not really sure. But maybe if I can work through these other things, then who knows what my future has in store. So I think, you know, it's a little different for you and me because we're very different people. Were just wired differently and I think everyone is just how we express ourselves and how we've experienced the world is different. So I think it's going to be different for everybody else. So let's let's bring this kind of down to a boiling point in a conclusion, because I want to make sure that everyone here is able to start taking action on some of these things we're talking about and as you go through your week is and that we're on a Sunday call right now, as it happens to be live on a Sunday. We hope that it inspires the rest of your day but also informs the rest of your week going forward. So there is this and I'll say this, and I know that you would, you would agree with this, that there is, as we move do this more often, as we do the work more often, of turning towards, leaning into there's so many different phases we could use these, these parts that we call our darkness. Will we end up discovering is our incredible light. But not just that. What we start developing, like going to the gym and lifting weight, we start developing spiritual muscles, we start to develop courage and as we start to touch these things and survive and touch these things and then thrive, then in something very interesting happens inside us, in our minds and our hearts, in our hands. It is everything starts to unlock as we go. Well, that's here's what the person says to themselves. Well, Shit, if I can do this, if I can touch that feeling that I thought would kill me, or step out into the proverbial traffic with my passion and put myself out there in the world, on the Internet, or whatever you feel and called and challenge to do, I actually brought more life into me, not darkness, and as we do that, the courage has to develop, strength of spiritual monster start to build and we become someone that were really proud of. So we kind of began with this question that's in the heart and mind everyone. I am I enough, doing enough, to have enough, and I think from Katie and ice perspective, I mean we're pretty clear on this.

You're enough, you're amazing, you're brilliant and there is this light within you that, paradoxically, sometimes in many ways, can only be found by leaning into your darkness. And isn't it kind of cool to know that you actually have it all inside you already? You have the whole the whole universe, that everything that you need, it's already inside it already to tap into it, even if you think you perceive it as bad. Well, I couldn't think of a better way to close this thing. I don't have my mug. I realized I left it upstairs. I cleaned up a pair of it did not bring it into this live call. So I'm about to give you have a Mug, but you can hold that. Might use by as trader Joe's sparkling Lacroix until we see you again. made the fire within Lee the happiest heights and the road you travel beligned with light, aligned with light. So see you guys next. I thinks by.

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