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THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin
THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin

Episode 19 · 11 months ago

HAPPINESS is Not What You Think it is. Here's How it Actually Works.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In today's LIVE episode we discuss the problem of chasing happiness, why few ever seem to catch it, and how to actually spark more lasting JOY into your life.

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#thepursuit #patrickkerwin #findingjoy #secretstohappiness #thriving #abundance #joy #successmindset #lifebalance #gratitude

Hey, go gottors, welcome back to another episode of the pursuit will help you awaken your potential, achieve your dreams and leave your legacy you'll be proud of. Today we're focused on happiness, how so many of us have actually got it backwards and upside down, and sometimes the very things we're doing to try to be happier or actually causing our misery. Today we're going to be showing you some tips of how to turn that whole thing around. So with me. The studio is Katie. Hey, I'm Patrick, I'm Katie. I'm good to have you back in your the new for those of you who miss the announcement, your the official new co host of this you're on the podcast, you're on the show, you're on the everything that's right. I'm in your house and I'm in your past. Oh my Gosh, can you get rid of you? So I'm just going to call it a little bit of Pink Elph in the room here. I have a Colt and a sound like a terrible frog person and I'm fine. I just have like this sinus thing going on. So if I don't sound like my usual sexy self, it's because I don't feel like it, but that's why I have I had brought back up with me to help me have this conversation in a better way. So let's we have a couple main things we want to get into today, around turn this happiness thing around. But you know what did your stuff? What are your thoughts on this, because I've just said we've got it backwards, we've got it upside down. Do you find that true? Like, what's your experience in this? Well, you know, I think we well, me personally, I have felt in my life that I'm just like waiting to be happy until this, this, this happens, till I have this experience at work or I have this experience with my family or myself or whatever, and it is like waiting to be happy is not the right way...

...to go about things. Were waiting for something to trigger happiness when really we should find happiness just just within ourselves and what we're doing on the daytoday to find happiness. And what can we add to our life that would add some happiness and show you just you just nailed all the points. Okay, look good episode, everybody. See you later. Listen, we're going to be talking about joy today and what sparks joy for us and really some recipes of happiness. But throughout the question want to give you guys a job, the question and the comments and the live chat and B by the way, even after the filming of this and the lean were live right now, we always go back, we always comment. If you took the time to comment, we're going to respond to you. The question is, what sparks joy for you? Something just put that in your head as we go through the topics today. So in order to have this conversation fully, I think the best way to start is just really looking at how happiness works. What is the science say? It was the research say about what is actually involved with happiness? In order to have a conversation, I think we need to begin with this simple divide line. Let's talk about something that is it's in all the happiness and success researts. It's this idea of locusts of control and Katie, you kind of Tart to talking about this earlier. Let's just create a divide line down the middle for the language for today, an external locus of control is everything outside of your current control or perception of control. The thing is the language us, as these are the things that happen to me right these are the things that are outside of my personal locus of control, or at least that's in my perception right the second era is the internal. Okay, this is a lot of people who are talking about success and well being. They're always pushing people to we control actually much more than we think we do. This is things I make happen. So, as we start this conversation, there's more to talk about here in terms of happiness and wellbeing and what really sparks joy for you. But let's come back to here. So, Kittie is we talked about this, you know, and we were kind of...

...kind of discussing earlier before we kind of went live. But like for you, what some of those things on that divide line between internal things? I control external. I mean, I can think of a couple right now that happened does today. But what'side? What's on your mind with that? Well, the biggest thing that comes to mind is work, because I have to do it for so many hours of the day and you know, my experience at work is that people are a little bit negative and that a bit. It's a lot that a lot of people who might be listening. Can relate to that, to you're in kind of a negative environment and how can you possibly be happy in a negative environment when all these external forces are coming at me? and to kind of like go along with that same line of thinking, it's if someone's having an experience, it's their experience and it's not necessarily yeah, preach for a ben on that. Hold on, say more on that. That's right. And in my experience I'm kind of an empathetic person and I do really absorb what other people are feeling. But if I have been working on it really in the last couple of years to try to say that's that's that's their problem and it's not going to be my problem and it's not going to affect my happiness, because, you know, someone else's experience is actually their experience and of course I try to treat people nicely and be kind and I love my family and my friends and of course I care how they're feeling, of course, but you know, if someone's having a problem, it doesn't necessarily have to be my problem and it doesn't necessarily have to affect my overall happiness. All right, so most paused for seconds. I think there's you just touching the very big thing that I think we need to kind of dig into, which is a lot of times we can feel like we've actually taken things that are within our power, we've actually given our hard way to somebody else. So like this wasn't something I was actually thinking of, but your thoughts can actually provoke this in me. Is Part of this divide between this locus of control and things like that, is that we sometimes...

...give our power away to other people. We say, Hey, this is something that's actually yours, but I'm taking it in to me as if it's my responsibility for your joy that I change. And of course, that that begins with the understanding, or think of the false perception. I think I said the Beginn we got happiness all wrong. I think we can just make a landing point right here. One of the biggest ways that we've got happiness wrong is we think that we have to wait until the conditions are right, that it's someone if someone else was nicer to me, if the environment, the external stuff of the sun, was shining more, if it wasn't raining as much, if the economy was better as someone else was president, and we can just go on and on and on about all these things we push outside of ourselves that's not actually ours to control. But don't have to be like heavy stuff too can be simple stuff. Like one of the things for me that I know that I have less and less control over, though I'd wish I had a little bit more, was the ability to just drink my coffee and peace at my own house. We have littles, we have little kids running around, and you know that's not within my control. I would love to think that to my control what they do and how quiet or loud there being, but the truth is that sometimes I just get little moments like, okay, it's a little moment of Quet, what a beautiful sip of coffee, and then back to to lot. We have loud house. I think parents are watching. You guys know you have a loud house too, but we want to kind of keep this back on the so there's an idea of locusts, of control, and I can't go back to the slide here for a second. Things that I make happen. Let's shift. Let shift gears. Lets talk about the others, the internal control. I can control my mindset, I can control my attitude, I control the Lens in which I'm looking at something now. For many people this is not the human experience. We say, we have a completely different language for a lot of us who are on the success track, we're goal getters. Why you're watching today. A lot of people who watch shows like this or listen to content like this have slowly but surely come into the awareness, into truly accepting I am...

...in control of my happiness. That's certain. There's much more within my internal locus of control than maybe I was even aware of or I wanted to acknowledge or want to accept. It was so much easier just push all that onto someone else, whether that's in your relationships, your friendships, your work environment, everything is that. Do you find that to be true? Yeah, or even you know, you're talking about successful people, but even the things that you achieve. Yeah, you know, if you're if you're constantly and this is kind of funny because it's what you focus on. Yeah, is achieving your goals and you have you know, here's how we're going to get there. Your happiness doesn't actually have to occur once you get through those steps and once you reach the goal. You can have happiness while you're working on it. Wait, what yes, and you know, I heard this interesting quote. It was on Instagram, so I'm not going to get it right and I don't even know who posted it, but it was the idea of this artist who said he wasn't just gonna find joy in creating his art, he was going to say everything he did was art. Making his breakfast was his art and making his bed was his art. So I kind of struck me because I was like, well, that's that's kind of a cool idea. Instead of like getting all like the crap stuff off your list, like making your bed, whatever, it could be part of your joy and part of your happiness and just part of the the daily life. Just getting through your daily life could just be part of your happiness. I like that. Just nailing having everything, being like Oh, I got the thing, I got the money, I did the stuff and that's now I'm happy. But it could you can just just like live your life happy. We should again. We should at by end the episode right there, because that's you're ending on a gem. That's a gem right there, and that just mindset. Yeah, I think that it comes down to well, actually, let me, let me use that the pivots our next topic. So we talked by internal locust or control an external what's up? What this next part? When you look at human need psychology, when you look at what human beings need to not just survive but to thrive, you come into this understanding that we...

...have a need for certain things. So gratification is, and I know that may cause some ways here, but gratifications actually part of the happiness equation. Part of being happy is finding what you love and bringing that more, not less, more, into your life. So in the sense gratification is having what you want, the kind of marriage you want, the kind of health you want, going after what's important to you, that's gratification. But on the other side of that what's talk about gratitude. So if grantification is having what you want, then gratitude is wanting what you have. And I think that if you tilt too far and any one direction, I think that's where we go one of the other ways we go wrong with happiness. And it just seems for me, and you could see in the this graff you do I've got over here, the joy somewhere is in the middle. It's in the balance between gratification and gratitude. And let me ask you this talk about locus of control. I can hear our child just woke up, so like as not my fam my control. Yeah, it's got about to fast. What have you have you seen when I talk about going too far left or too far right? Do you have any examples of that in your own life or something you've seen and can and do do Greek? Can we go too far into gratitude? Mis sounds like. How could you be too grateful or how could you be to chasing dreams? I like, do you see dangers in either ends? I mean, I put a lot of stock, emphasis whatever, on achieving things. That's just the kind of person I am and I really you know, I encourage people to try to go for the go for what they want. So a lot of focus on my life is achieving things and, you know, getting things off that list as I'm getting closer to a goal, and that's gratification big time, because I get I get a lot out of that. But I can easily lose sight of the things that I have already maybe like have already achieved, and I have gratitude for that, because if I lose sight of all the things I've already done or the things I already have or the things that I haven't even worked for that...

...are just naturally in my life, you know, but you really lose balance and percent agree and I think that if we just to paint this vision, so if we if we sat too far into our gratitude, we just sat there and like the House is burning and everything is in danger and we're, you know, our health is in the toilet and everything like that, but we're just focused on everything that's good. That pot alter with positive thinking. I know this may be risky to say, but I think that that's too far tilted. I think that there's moments where we need to get up, take action and change things, and I think that we need to be ready to make those moves. I mean, as goal getters, we need to carve our life the way we see fit. And on the other side, if we're too much chasing rat race change, were too much chasing the next thing, the next thing, the next thing, we never seem to arrive anywhere that's worth celebrating. So there's danger on both sides. So what we're really saying here is that if you really want to be happy, healthy, wealthy, all the things and just extreme, if you experience joy every single day. There's a balance part of this equation I think we all need to get on board with, and it's somewhere in the middle between realizing what you can control and you can't control, that leaning more toward that internal locus of control, and then also realizing that sometimes being happy is giving yourself what you need and what you want and bringing that stuff more into your life, to things that spark joy for you. So, going back to our kind of question the day, and please put it in the comments, what sparks joy for you? What have you personally discovered that when you're engaged, when you're doing that thing, you're in a flow state, you're in the zone, you're joyful, you feel refresh and full or fulfilled as a result of doing it, and I just want to share a couple things that are that are on our list at make just give you some ideas. Number one for me, and I realize this is kind of the outside of locals control. I mentioned this one earlier, is having quiet time to myself. So that's something...

...that I'm always chasing moist trying to find ways where I can get it and when I do get it, sorright introvert. When I do get it, it's like Ah, so delicious. There's no one asking me. That's like then my creative juices can flow again and I can hear my own thoughts. It's a beautiful thing. And then, you know, I said, really just good cup of coffee. Sometimes, I'm a simple person, but what's some things that you've decided? They're on the things that you deserve, that bring you joy, that you've made room for in your life. Well, it's also quiet. It's also quiet, but that's not for it. But I get it, and here's how I get it. I started waking up before six o'clock every day. Yeah, and I will go and I will sit on my couch. I don't know if you've seen on my instagram, my big dog lays next to me. He gives me a big smuggle and I really quite like it. And I will read a book and I set that coffee maker to go, you know, automatically in the morning seconds I can have my coffee. Well, everybody is sleeping, hopefully everybody is sleeping, and that's how I get my quiet time and I've actually added so much joy and to my life, which sounds kind of stupid, but I will sit there and read a book. It doesn't even have to be like a book with a point, a personal development book. It can just be like, I've read this super scary book and I was really into it and I got to read it every morning and because things, you know, you get you lose track of your day and sometimes I'll go for a walk and still almost just getting light out. And those are just things that I've added to my life. And you know the funny thing? I say it's something about you. So I'm ready. He says he's an introvert and he wants quiet, but a couple times you've gotten up with me in the morning and you just want to talk to me. I'm a Chit Chatter. I like him, I like how you do it, I feel what you think about what I'm like. We're not talking. This is not talking. Times not this is not time to do a job. It's not time for anything. And you know one thing I was thinking about, what do I want to talk about on this podcast today? And it's that you can do things that don't have a point if you love it. Yeah, it's like you want to...

...sit down and like do a puzzle. Why it doesn't. I mean aside from it being something that you like, Hmm, and it brings you joy. It doesn't. It doesn't advance you in your career, it doesn't advance you in your love life. It could, I'd be dead. You know, sexy puzzles, but just my mind is but you know, my what I'm trying to say is you can do stuff, is if just adds something to your life that you like, and that's good because, well, we're all going to die, we might as well enjoy our time while we're here. Absolutely don't get stuck. Like I made this list of everything I had to do in the day and it was like about that. I know where that story we basically just about all the things that I have to do for other people and I was like when do I have time? What am I going to fit in time to do anything for myself? And I was like that's really stupid, like this is my life and I need to take some time to do some things for myself, and if it means wake up two hours before everybody else one hour, then I'm going to have to do that. So I think everyone here and again the question of the day is, you know what sparks joy for you and something for we want you guys to think about. So kind of bringing this all together, I think that there's some simple lessons that we want to absolutely focus on. Number one, decide what is now in your locus of Control that maybe previously you thought was not. Maybe it's coming down a procrastination, and I please understand's coming from a love, place of love, and I said, it's excuses, things that you say, well, if only that person would change, then I could change this part of my life. And I think we need to move it more into that area or that locust of control. And then the second thing, where can I see? Yes, I think yeah, or looking at somebody else and saying, Oh, they can do that, but I can oh yeah, these reasons are like, well, they don't have kids, so they can do it, and that's slippery. Stop and it's very tempting to say that. It is to look at someone yeah, we can all...

...we're all in mostly in control of our lives, and the more we take responsibility and ownership over the outcomes, the more actual personal power we have. Second is fine, what's good for you. Just go. If it's a piece of paper in a list, I don't care what it is. Just decide for yourself. In fact, Katie and I did this earlier, a couple weeks ago, like hey, what where do we what do we know brings us joy that we're not doing? Wow, what a game changing conversation that was. You know, we're both expressing some stress for your feeling and then we said, well, what is it that we know brings us joy? And then the second question, to be honest, questions as are we doing those things? So fine for you, what brings you joy? And also, if you have a partner, how can you support that person and what brings them one? Yeah, exactly, support you and your thing, and how can you support me in my thing? Like it's pretty easy. I mean yeah, simple question, discussion and the number three, and obviously this comes back to gratitude and gratification and kind of always in balancing those things. But find that center space of joy for you where you're able to give yourself what you need and go chasing after what you want because you deserve it, and be thankful what you already have. It's so easy. I MTA tell you. It's so easy to find joy when you're able to train your mind and condition your mind to find joy in the little things, like it's a beautiful sunny day, and then when the big things comments, like Christmas, you know. But condition and train your mind to find the joy little things, but don't be tilted in wonder direction or tilting the other. Find that joyful sweet spot and give yourself what you need. So, Hey, listen, thanks for thanks for joining for another episode's Fun, for have you here and it's good to have you guys here. I'm the call. Thank you so much for tuning in. It's been a true joy pun how to have you here. Listen, if you if you enjoy this content, you want to stay connected with us, make sure to hit that like button. It really helps us with the algorithm in the channel Durn Youtube, follow us or subscribe us to any of the socials you're watching this on, and of course you're on you to make sure hit that belt you notified of any future...

...content. So thanks, guys, for tuning in for the episode of the pursuit. Until we see again, I got my Mug this time I'm ready made. The fire within lead the happiest heights and the road you travel beligned with we're work on this. Good reading my cuffs. Serious to Detroit. That's right, serious to Detroit. CHEERS BY EVERYBODY.

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