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THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin
THE PURSUIT - with Patrick Kerwin

Episode 6 · 1 year ago

[Sunday Sit Down] Our Best Relationship Advice | 5 Biggest Lessons Learned in 15 Years

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In this episode we share how to create a loving relationship for a lifetime, and tips for how to prevent breakups.
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Hey, it's Patrick Kerwin and welcome to the pursued podcast, where we give you practical tips on chasing your dreams, awakening your potential and living in extraordinary life. Hey, just quick heads up for we get started. In these special audio recordings of our Youtube series, you may hear me reference images on screen that you can't see, or teach a lesson with a drawing or diagram. All I ask is that, in your beautiful imagination, my handwriting actually looks legible and my doodles look, you know, like a professional animate to them. Cool, you're the best. Now, if you want to join our growing community of entrepreneurs, creatives and people following your inner fire, you'll find the links below in the show notes. I'm so thankful you've chosen to spend some time learning and growing with us today. Without further ADO, enjoy today's episode. So this is my wife, Katie. If you guys haven't seen her, met her before, and she's my best friend, of favorite person on the planet, so I wanted to bring her on for this episode on relationships and out you and I've been together for fifteen years, fifteen, know each other fifteen years, and this is our five biggest relationship lessons in fifteen years and for any of you guys listening right now, if you have some relationship advice things we do not cover, I love to hear your thoughts and comments below. So let's just kick this off. So here's my number one things I've learned as being in relationship fifteen years. My number one on the list, and business In't chronological, but any means is has. I feel like it's just a good idea to have some furry friends in the house. Oh can you? Would you agree with this one? When you think on this? Yet? Totally, and I's not on it's not on my list, but there's nothing better than cute little baby puppy who's soft and sweet, and I mean it just brings joy to your life. Anyway. Actually think it's a good tip for just life in general. Well, I haven't slept in like five weeks, or you have us. That's true. So puppy comes in disclaim. Yeah, puppy comes with disclaimer, but they do...

...grow like babies. They grow, but there are a lot less works and babies. I'm going to leave that for the people have comments whether that's true or not. All right, so what is your number one. I'm curious. What's on? Okay, mine's a little bit more serious. Oh, getting serious. Okay. So I think don't get fixated on I do something for you, then you do something for me back. It's not always going to be one to one because, you know, you're each an individual person and you have stuff going on, like maybe work is super busy or maybe you're just in some kind of season in your life or you just not feeling like you have a lot to give. Yeah, I think that you should be ready to give your partner just unlimited and don't be expecting to get anything back. If you're in a good relationship, I think you will get it back. But don't think you know I did this. Now you owe me back, because if you get in an owing situation, and I don't think it's very healthy. I A hundred percent agree with you. I think that's really smart. I think that if you get into a if you're keeping track, keeping score, if you're keeping score, you're going to end up losing in the the game of the relationship. So, of course, now it does go with I mean I think it's important to say that if the balances have been so unbalanced for so long where you just give, give, give a gift and you just feel like you're not getting thing bad. That's when a care frontation needs to happen where you have the conversation with your person about that. And now, of course that would go. I would say the same thing for the friendship, for you and your coach that you're working with, whatever like. It has to feel on equal ground. Right, all right, that's what going to I'm missing. You got some good ones here. Okay, so here's my number two, number two of my list. You'll see it peer below. have an open channel of communications. So this actually builds off of what you were saying earlier. Is If there isn't a channel of communication, of honesty between the two people, then it becomes very challenging to say what you need, what you're feeling, what you're going through.

If your mindset is I just don't share things or I'm not allowed, this person doesn't care enough to hear like that's that's a big relationship challenge or problem and hat. So therefore, in the opposite having an open channel of communication, which I mean I don't is that is that easy to establish? No, I mean not always. I think that sometimes your communication ability is either comes more naturally to some people or it's more learned with some people. Like I would say that I came into our relationship not being much of a communicator and, on the contrast, you are a very big communicator. So you led me in that way. So you force those lines of communications in the best way to talk to me, you must, but that helped, that really helped establish it, because actually what it did when you opened up those channels of communication, you made me in a in a position where I was safe to communicate and actually a sort of leads me to my to one of mine. Okay, what's your number? Tike? Don't play out scenarios in your head. HMM, don't. Don't create a story in your head. So Patrick says something to me and I so offended or hurt. I do that all the time, apparently, and I play out this. This is hypothetical, and I play play out this scenario in my head because I didn't take one sentence to say when you said this thing to me, I felt this way. Is that what you meant? Then this is that's going to communication. So if you can communicate that, rather than stewing for half a day and becoming more and more mad, which I think we can and do in a lot of times. But like, if you just ask, you say, you know, this is what I experienced when this thing happened, and that person probably didn't, I mean hopefully didn't, do it on purpose. Yeah, I think the challenge becomes having the courage ask for clarity,...

...like what did you mean when you said that thing that you said, just because I just want to understand. So I am not assuming or I'm not jumping the gun or anything like that. I mean that's again that kind of really does piggyback off the open channel of communication. So if any of you guys have figured anything out about how to do that, let us know in the comments below. All right, let me go to number three. Hug and kiss every single day, twice a day or more. Good. So have so have some sort of practice around times and places where you can connect, because that it's I mean it's easy to get stucked into the vortex of the current of life and all the busyness that happens. So like finding and making room intentionally for each other, I think is absolutely essential. Give you know the thoughts on on that one. Well, you know that old saying don't go to bed angry. Not that I feel like actually you and I are very fighty or angry, not fighting, we're not, but you know, it's good thing for anybody. Just don't go to bed angry. It so you can. Maybe you don't want to kiss somebody that you are mad at, but maybe just don't be mad and then because some good night and feel better. I'll get to that point. What's on yours? What's on your next for me? Number three. I think it's really important to be nice to your partner and also to be polite and say thank you when they do something Nice for you, or just be nice. That's your you just introduced me as your best friend, like I should really be nice to you. You are not my punching bag. I don't, I shouldn't use you to take out my anger, because you are my best friend and my partner and my husband, and so I think we make a point to be nice. It's pretty easy and it makes the atmosphere of your relationship better. You know, we have a I don't think I really talked about this. We actually have on our wall family values, a culture that we've decided to create in our household in our family, with raising kids and our fury friends...

...and everything. And speak with kindness is one of those family values. Yeah, so I think in by the way, if you guys want us to do an episode on how we've kind of constructed family values and built a family culture with that be fun to go through it. But let's do it. Let's just decide to right now. We're do we do an episode on family values and building culture in your household. So number four, I think this one, regardless of any journey you're on friendship, I think this one's universal is be intentional and create memories together. Like you can't just hope that you have a good time, hope that good memories. You can't just sit in your couch and hope the great things happen. You have to go out there and you need to get it. And of course you probably hear that kind of message a lot for me in this channel. But when it comes to relationship, the same thing applies. If if I want to have a great experience and in committed relationship with you, I've got to say I want to create these memories. Let's find time to go on date, let's find a time to go on vacation. Let's schedule it, let's make it real, let's be in very intentional. So it's not it's something that we design in our relationship, not something that we hope just happens by default or accident. Yeah, you got a plan for it. You know, things are so busy, especially once you have kids. You have to make a point. And that's not to say that we are going out on the town all the time. No, not. We're not traveling. especially in the last year because of the pandemic, you know, we've been hanging around, so we've kind of had to get creative. But there's other things that you can do too, just, you know, just to make something special and have some intentional time to do, you know, just fortify your relationship, because you can just live your life and just coast, but it's better to have some intentional things that you do strengthen your relationship. By the way, if you have any ideas to share, I mean open books, like what do you got? Like? What do you what do you do when you can't leave the house and then you can't go to restaurants and all this crazy stuff? It's happening in the covid times. If you have any creative ideas? All Years? Right, all right, so that's my number four. Now it's...

...my turn again. That would be let's see. Okay, something that I work on all the time, that I try to work on, is that you need to work on loving yourself because, as you know, fifteen years it's not fifty like there are people who have been married for still. Yeah, we're still young. If so, we're not super pros, but you know, I've changed a lot in the last fifteen years. You met me while I was still in school. I may have robbed the cradle just so I was pretty young. I was twenty two, and we know it wasn't that young. I mean I was twenty two, twenty two when we get together, and now I'm thirty seven. So like a twenty two year old and thirty seven year old are very different. Have I've had a couple of kids. There have been some hard things that you know, the families have gone through, and I look different, I feel different, my mind is different, my body is different, and I think it's just important to kind of embrace yourself and every stage of your life. You know, we are all going to get older, we are going to look different, you know, you see eighty five year old people and then a twenty five year old person, like there's still the same on the inside, even though they might look different on the outside. So I think you need to love yourself at every stage because beauty, you know, beauty fades, as they say, and you know it's what's really inside that matters, and you got to try to also love yourself. And if you don't love yourself, then it, I think, makes it harder for your partner to love you back. It's gonna comment on that, because I think you bring up a really, really good point, which is we I think I think I've learned this lesson, certainly through failed relationships, but also, I think it's a something that stuck with me, is you cannot ask the person that you're with to love a part of you that you don't love. It's like, Hey, I hate this part of me, but will you love it? It's like that's putting a lot of weight on someone else. You should take ownership of loving yourself.

I know that's maybe sounds a little bit harsh, but like it. You have to love yourself, like I don't want to be like a have to, but like work to get to the place where you want. I mean you, you are in this body your whole life. I mean this is your home, like you might as well learn to make peace with it, love yourself through it, because when you have loved now, you can give love, but if you don't have loved inside, it makes it really hard, I might even say possible, to love someone else if you cannot love yourself. You know, and they can always be just an ongoing lifelong practice and lifelong process. Yeah, I agree. Okay, so this one I had to find. I've had a hard way, like getting the language and this one. But what did I say? I said find your rhythm and stick to your stripes. So, in other words, it's okay for me to lean on you and say, Hey, you're really, really good at this thing, not to say that I should like abandon like as weakness. spect that's my weakness, therefo. I'm not going to work out it because I think that's that's garbage. But you know, there's there's a time when I can say this is I trust you in this avenue because you've got this thing. I don't need to do all the things when I have someone who's my partner, who can do the things that I cannot do and do it better. So why not just let your partner do those things? And I say stay in your lane. It's not what I don't want to say stay in your lane, but I want to say honor the strength of your partner and trust them to do the thing they do really, really well. Good. That's really good, and the other and that's kind of goes back to the beginning. We're talking about the balance and well, I did this and you did that, so let's just let's use a common example. Cleaning the house. Right, I was going to ask who do you think you're gonna think? I'm got one of us is a little more tidy than the other person. I will let you take whatever guess is you'd like. Oh So, if if that's the case, then why should if it's a dangerous...

...place for me to get into where I'm like, well, I cleaned it this much and you didn't do it. So, but if it's my natural proclivity just straighten things up and do things, why don't I just take that as my thing that I do and you do this other thing that way better than me, which is like I'm a good on the schedule S yessing everyone. I'm just you have an elephants memory, which is not so good in my experience for me, but you remember all the things that I don't remember. So those kinds of things. Just like honor your partners strength and don't always look for that perfect balance of things like that. What is your number five? My last one is that you should get together and stay with somebody that you have fun with, but also somebody that you want to be your partner when things are bad. Yeah, like your buddy in the Foxhole, because that's I mean the times of challenge and pressure, that's when your relationship really gets tested. Yeah, and I'll say like when you have a new baby, that's like a super testing time. or Pe both sleep deprived. Yeah, right, there's there's just like so much going on and you just kind of sad. You See, you see a lot of relationships fall apart. Yeah, in the early in the little kid years. Yeah, and also, like for the rest of you know, as time goes on. But like so many people, in the little kid years, it's because that pressure, the relationship wasn't either wasn't good enough to start with or it just wasn't strong enough to withstand the pressure. So I trust you to have my back and to, you know, keep the family safe, and I hope that you have the same trust for me. So you got to really choose somebody who will be in the Foxhole with you. God, I mean with get real for a second. I mean we've, I think every relationship would be, I said, on some regard. But just here's a short list of some of the things that we've been through. Okay, and this isn't really about us, she's about the metal that you get, the testing your...

...relationship. been through the loss of a parent, okay, that's never easy. We've been through the loss of our fury friends. Those were heartrenching times. Yeah, huge medical issue with the parents, medical issues with a parent, several. We've been through the birth of two children and worried about, like your health. We've been through cancer scares. We've been through, I mean, infertility, fertility like man like. You need to be with somebody, and that's kind of like the things I've learned in fifteen years, like if you're going to go the long like, you got to be with someone who's got some strength that you can lean on in the tough times, because, I mean when I when I was doing leadership coaching, the whole principle was like it's easy to lead when the sun is shining in, the waters are a calm, everyone's behave, everyone's behaving, but it's much harder to lead when the storms are brewing in, the thunders cracking and all that stuff like that. It's like you need to find someone that actually much, much, change my statement a little bit, and be the somebody that is strong and adds strength to the situation. And if you're not that person, you don't feel like your person. I think that's okay. This is coming from the goal setting guy. MEAN, set some goals to work on and become this person that you're ultimately be proud of and it's going to add more value and comfort your relationship and and you can become anyone you wish to become, as long as you believe that you can, which we talked about belief in a previous video. But yeah, I agree. You got to find someone you can be in Foxil with and hopefully there's lots of good times. Oh my God, yes, the Balance Outh the bad times. Otherwise that's Super Sad. And yes, but you know, the life will bring some hard times and it's really excellent to have somebody who would be, you know, stand by you. Yeah, I hope you guys got something out of today with this little exploration of the life relationship lessons. Again, this isn't just...

...an US conversation. We'd love to hear from you in the comes well. What's something you've learned, something you've kind of grown to understand about French relationship that has served you that you might want to share with other people as well? So, if you gain some insight from today's conversation, of course when? The greatest way to say thank you to hit that like button and we love for you to join us hit the subscribe button. But Hey, my friends, as always, made the fire within may the happiest heights and the road to travel beline lights. Excellent job. We'll see you next time. I.

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